Best Angry Neighbour Letter

[Holley]

This has to be up there as one of the best written angry neighbour letters ever written.

I'm not sure if he's done it as a joke or just got over excited with a Jane Austin period thesaurus. I've met him several times and he isn't well spoken and not the type you'd expect to write something like this. Imagine a brick layer suddenly playing Beethoven on a piano, you get the idea.

Some context first, we live in one of 6 barns arranged in a horseshoe lay-out. This neighbour is opposite us but not adjoined. He currently rents this from our next door neighbour. I'm not the one that parks outside his residence or has a noisy V8 (unfortunately), but he did want his letter to be received by all residents.

Anyway, get a cup of tea and enjoy...

Dear Neighbours,
I trust this message reaches you with due consideration. It has been over five years since my family, and I have taken residence at the Old Weighbridge. While certain interactions with our neighbouring inhabitants have left much to be desired – intermittent snide remarks, unwarranted disruptions at our doorstep, and other trivial matters – it is time to address a more significant and recurrent concern that directly impacts our well-being, privacy, and personal security, prominently involving one neighbour.
Our foremost challenge as a family pertains to an egregious disregard for our privacy, compounded by a careless attitude towards our health and safety. It is unfortunate that this issue is chiefly propagated by a fellow resident in proximity. Our daily lives are constantly marred by instances where our access points are obstructed and vehicles are recklessly stationed adjacent to our windows, complete with occupants audaciously prying into our living space. The cacophonous din emanating from these vehicles further disrupts our daily routines, intruding upon us whether we are engrossed in work indoors, seeking leisure, or attempting to exit our premises.
The windows adorning the Old Weighbridge are ostensibly designed as top-opening sashes, serving as wholly inadequate provisions for emergency evacuations. Even at my most svelte, squeezing through these apertures remains a near-impossible feat. This circumstance leaves us with a solitary recourse: our doors, destined to serve as our lifeline in the event of a fire or other life-threatening emergencies. It is unfortunate that such a crucial point appears to elude one of our neighbours, along with a handful of others, who persist in their audacious belief that impeding these exits daily is not only acceptable but their prerogative.
I am inclined to remind each of you that the sleepers adorning the barn's perimeter are a mere illusion of our property's boundary. The parking of vehicles alongside these sleepers amounts to encroachment upon our privacy. In situations warranting swift evacuation due to a fire outbreak, the advised course of action is a hasty exit from the premises, putting as much distance between oneself and the hazard as possible. It begs the question whether this task becomes any easier when confronted with the obstruction of an exit by a vehicle. I challenge all of you to contemplate this hypothetical situation, placing yourselves squarely in our shoes – would you tolerate such a perilous hindrance at your own doors?
Recent developments, specifically communication from my landlord on August 16, 2023, have apprised me of having inadvertently caused consternation to a neighbour. The crux of this dispute, I've come to understand, revolves around the repositioning of our waste bins. Allow me to elucidate my stance on this matter: my apathy toward the discomfort my actions may have caused is palpable, and I must admit a certain degree of satisfaction in evoking a reaction from this neighbour. By the conclusion of this discourse, I trust she will have gained a modicum of insight into the effects of her actions on her neighbours.
It is evident that her perturbation stems from the inconvenient dimensions of her car, rendering it incompatible with the confines at her property's back gate. Consequently, she seeks to appropriate space from the barn, conveniently situated adjacent to our bedroom. Equally vexing is her discontent with the current placement of our waste bins, which thwarts her ability to reverse along the barn's full length while maintaining her car's alloy wheels in dangerously close proximity to the sleepers. The resulting raucous symphony, evocative of a V8 engine in full throttle, intrudes upon the tranquillity of our once-hushed chambers. Rather than confronting these personal predicaments head-on, she has chosen the path of portraying herself as a victim.
To this neighbour, I pose a hypothetical scenario: Were I to replicate your recurrent manoeuvres – driving and reversing my vehicle in close proximity to your dwelling, repeated several times a day – how would you react? Would you possess an unwavering confidence in my ability to halt in time should your child emerge from one of the entrances to the barn? It has come to my attention that your young child was observed playing close to the sleepers last week. While you likely advise your child to avoid the road, we, in a comparable situation, would have no choice but to instruct ours to "play in the road, as our neighbour is yet to return home." You presently exploit land for which my wife and I have diligently paid, infringing upon our privacy and imperilling the safety of my family, yet you have the audacity to express discontent over our response.
In the interim, I shall adhere to the pragmatic philosophy that has guided me throughout my years – the unwavering focus on my own affairs. I hold faith that, collectively, we can reach a resolution that upholds the principles of mutual respect, ensuring each of us the space, security, and tranquillity we are entitled to enjoy.
Yours firmly,
Graham

[Holley]

Oh and he has four exit points. A front door, and three side doors. So not sure why he needs to fit through a sash window in the event of an emergency!

[duncs500]

That's amazing. I particularly enjoyed the use of the term "elucidate".

[Sundayjumper]

I’ve not read it yet, but I already know this guy needs to hook up with gavster’s neighbour for a fun evening of letter writing

[Holley]

That's amazing. I particularly enjoyed the use of the term "elucidate".

Even though he has history of being unpleasant towards our neighbours, I have to take my hat off to him. It must have taken him a while and was well worth the effort .

[Broccers]

It's a masterpiece. Can't wait for the cctv of them fighting next month.

[duncs500]

Is it actually possible to park that close to the houses that you can't get out the door?

[Mito Man]

Have you thought about putting a D lock on all of their doors and then setting their house on fire so they actually have to exit through the sash windows?

[dinny_g]

That has to be a pisstake surely... Written it in monosyllabic terms and then feed it into a Thesaurus App with the "flowery setting" set to 11 ??

[John]

That has to be a pisstake surely...

Either that or a resident of Pistonheads.

[Holley]

That has to be a pisstake surely... Written it in monosyllabic terms and then feed it into a Thesaurus App with the "flowery setting" set to 11 ??

I did think so until he yelled at a neighbour yesterday for walking via the access road past his property claiming the access road was his land!

[Holley]

Is it actually possible to park that close to the houses that you can't get out the door?

No.

[duncs500]

The guy is clearly insane.

ChatGPT wrote the letter AICMFP.

[GG.]

How did you get hold of my letter?!

I think it might actually be an alias for Russell Brand given the verbosity.

[JonMad]

Brilliant! Much egregious audaciousness.

so,
- don't park right next to my house because, rather than just saying it's not your right, I'm going to play on it being a fire hazard
- don't park right next to my house just because you've bought a car too big for your own driveway

Got any pics of said location?

[dinny_g]

Yeah, the "I want to own the part of the public highway right outside my house" argument is as old as time. Folks get so wound up about it but there's nothing you can do.

We have a 2 car driveway so don't need to park in front of ours but there are 4 houses about 50 yards down the road with only 1 driveway space each to there's always people parking outside my house. All bar one of these are absolutely fine but one insists of parking their Zoe half on the grass, half on the road. Presumably to protect their wing mirror but there really is no need - the road is plenty wide at that point. The lad who regularly parks his 5 series there doesn't think it's necessary.

Buy the end of the winter, the grass is always cut up and rutted and looks a scruffy.

[Holley]

The guy is clearly insane.

ChatGPT wrote the letter AICMFP.

I didn't know about this. I hope that he didn't use it otherwise it's ruined this for me

[Holley]

Brilliant! Much egregious audaciousness.

so,
- don't park right next to my house because, rather than just saying it's not your right, I'm going to play on it being a fire hazard
- don't park right next to my house just because you've bought a car too big for your own driveway

Got any pics of said location?

I'll try and get a pic later (there's no street view images available)

[Holley]

How did you get hold of my letter?!

I think it might actually be an alias for Russell Brand given the verbosity.

I occasionally listen to Russell's interviews (most recently with Dr Peter Attia) but his extensive vocabulary does for me get in the way of understanding what he's talking about.

[Jobbo]

Yours firmly,
Graham

Not a style out of Debretts, as far as I can recall. Ideal for a reader's letter to Playboy magazine though.