OV9

A colleague died at the weekend. We just heard about it yesterday in a group call.

He was mid-30's. Younger than me.

I don't want to speculate, but I know he had suffered with his mental health towards the end of last year. I also know that he'd had a heart op earlier in 2020, and of course there's Covid. So really it could be one of 3 things. Part of me doesn't want to know the truth.

It's not the first time I've lost a colleague - the first was 15 years ago - an older colleague passed away in the stairwell at work with a heart attack. The next was both a colleague and friend, who died in a car accident on the way to work in April 2008. That one his me hard. He was a lovely chap and we had socialised a fair bit. He came to my (first) wedding. I counselled him on how to split bills in his house share. I beat him at go-karting. That sort of friend. He didn't even reach 30 years old. Luckily the day he died I had a weekly appointment with my therapist of the time, so I was able to dedicate that entire 'hour' to that. I remember feeling angry at him because it was understood that he was a pretty quick driver, and whilst the police investigation and evidence presented at the inquest showed that his speed did not cause the accident, we all felt that he could've been a bit more careful and maybe still be alive. This was the third accident in a year he'd had. What's sadder though was that I also worked with his Dad (who literally sat behind me) and his Sister worked on the floor upstairs at the time. Bad times.

I'm struggling to process the death of my colleague at the weekend. It's not that I was so close to him - I wasn't. Someone else in my team was aligned to work with him. But he was such a lovely chap. He'd just signed a big deal. He was hugely liked. He certainly had a very bright future. But unlike my friend from 2008, this chap leaves a young son and a wife. Imagine losing your father at a young age. Unthinkable. And as a father of a young boy myself this has seen me draw parallels.

I don't know why I'm writing all this. I suppose it's fairly cathartic. I'm not really sure there's any advice I could glean.

It just seems to be one more death in the world that shouldn't have happened.

Unexpected deaths are never easy and with a life situation similar to yours, it would be hard not to reflect on previous experiences. It basically sucks.

Sorry to hear this and for the memories it triggers.

What Alex said.

Deaths due to accidents or other “before their time” causes are really difficult to deal with. I still choke up when I think of an early 40’s workmate who passed in front of his wife & months-old child due to unexpected breathing difficulties whilst they waited for an ambulance to arrive. Still feels so unfair and raw.

Condolences for your loss Si.

Shitty horrible situation when it’s far far too young.

Emotions hit you in different ways but it’s always going to have an affect.

Dave!

That’s shit

I receive a quarterly magazine from my school, the spring issue was delivered today. It features news about the school, achievements and old pupils/staff marriages and obituaries. It always puts me in a bit of a sombre mood for a few days as every issue there’s someone that I knew who is no longer around. Chemistry technician who I remember aiding us during experiments and a girl who was 2 years above me who I wasn’t friends with but still remember. Life’s a cunt.

A neighbour of mine was found dead in his house on Tuesday, only 46. I'm not sure of the details as don't like to pry. An ambulance and police turned up which I thought was a bit unusual but then we got a major shock when the funeral director arrived in his van later.

Sorry to hear that, Simon

Funnily enough I have been hearing / reading a lot on this topic lately since discovering Cariad Lloyd’s podcast ‘griefcast’ and also reading Richard Coles’ book about the loss of his husband.

I think when a death comes out of the natural order of things then it makes it that harder to deal with. A young person, a person with young family around them or someone in the prime of their career isn’t supposed to die. We see death as a natural end point to a life lived, so someone taken before their time seems really jarring and hard to make sense of.

I’m not sure if that makes it easier to process but for me understanding why something is so difficult is part of dealing with it.

I was 10 1/2 when my dad passed away, he was only 51 and died of a massive heart attack. It’s a shit position to be in, and obviously you always carry the loss with you, but when I look back on that time, and on a couple of friends in the same circumstances, kids adapt and bounce back in a way adults just aren’t able to

I've had 2 work folk pass away in the last 6 months. Both have worked along side me for 25 years. The saddest thing is both were cancer, one a brain tumour who went in 2 months and the other retired in December and died last month. Makes you think about doing all the things you want to now instead on one day as that may never come.

Sorry for your loss

Well, that's just shit all round.

Really sorry to hear that Simon.

I lost a workmate about 4 years ago now when he and his entire family were killed in a Float Plane accident on the holiday of a lifetime in Canada. We found out about it via the news and it was such as shock. A few years before that, an old boss of mine and my mentor was struck by lightening and killed. Then last year, my Godmother was killed instantly in a head on car crash.

I have massive unresolved issues with grief which my councillor and I have started to talk about. We've a host of other stuff to get through first, then we'll tackle that.

Be compassionate with yourself - you don't have to be someone's best mate to be destroyed by their death, especially someone so young. Keep talking about it though - I didn't and now I'm paying the price.

Good luck

A girl I went to school with died after a massive fight with cancer a year or two ago now. She absolutely lived life to the max.

I had not seen her in twenty years although we had gone out at 13 or 14 for about a year. I was gutted and I felt guilty for being upset as I hadn't seen her I felt I had not earned the right to cry. Absolutely mad logically but there it is.

Another chap from the old Pumapeople forum who I had met on a few meets was washing his car and just dropped dead in his late 30s. I was a bit sad at the time and then old threads would pop up or a memory on facebook and time and time again would see his comments, almost always first and always kind and encouraging. It must be ten years back anyway but I am filling up again just thinking about him.

My grandparents I just remember with love so I suspect there is a lot of truth in the whole "lived a full life" making a difference to how we feel as I undoubtedly loved my Granny more than most.

Typing out your post will no doubt help but allow yourself to feel sad and do not feel guilty for doing so.

A mate lost his Dad a few years back and was too busy to grieve and it turned him into a nightmare to live with and his marriage broke. He is one of the kindest and most calm people I know and a MHN to boot so he could see what was happening and was unable to do anything to break out of his destructive behavior.

I hope you are able to process your feelings and feel better soon. (seems rather puerile as a gee up, sorry)