OV9

DeskJockey wrote: Tue May 02, 2023 8:17 pm

mik wrote: Tue May 02, 2023 8:13 pm @KevH18 sounds awful sir - get well soon.

Very much this.

That

mik wrote: Tue May 02, 2023 8:13 pm @KevH18 sounds awful sir - get well soon.

Yeah - shitty thing to happen. Look after yourself and hope it all works out well.

And we may be a bunch of, for the most part, faceless internet arseholes but you’ll always find a sympathetic ear here whatever you’re going through in life…

I've got quite a lot of shit going on right now which really puts my own quibbles into perspective.

One friend, 37, only 2 years older than me has a stage four brain tumour, and isn't likely to be with us very much longer, 2 children 7 and 9 years old who will grow up without their dad, and it came from nowhere, absolutely fine then boom, seizure.

Then, unbelievably, another friend, we had his 50th last October, the week after had a seizure in his sleep, same thing

Really makes you question appreciate having people you care about, and who care about you in your life.

I'm just happy to have a healthy family after the last few months, and being able to spend proper time with them.

If anyone is up north near me, and needs a beer and a chat, I'd do my best to be a sympathetic ear.

Life can be absolutely shite sometimes, but seeing the thread about YK, shows at least he managed to really do what he loved for a decent period of his life, and clearly he made some friends for life through what he loved.

Take care out there chaps, we only get one go at this so have fun while you can.

KevH18 wrote: Tue May 02, 2023 7:01 pm I doubt anyone knows anything about me apart from the car I own, but I'm feeling a bit shit at the minute. I was feeling not 100% until around 11 days but fairly happy with my job, my wife and haven't two young kids under 7. Happy with the mates I have and the best I've experienced in terms of supporting my football club this season, potentially being in the playoffs to get promoted to the Premier League for next season. Slightly out of our hands before next season but been so happy with them this season whatever the outcome is.

What happened 11 days ago was me being assaulted after having a few drinks with three of my mates before walking to the taxi to get home. Ended up with having a trauma to my skull, which hasn't been a massive trauma but struggling to get my head around what happened and have had some sort of headache since every day since then. Seems as if the police aren't able to charge the person who did it and it's difficult to get back into a normal life at the minute, so yeah, hoping it isn't too long to get back into being normal but can't say when that will be.

Feels a bit odd saying what's happened to people who don't know me in any way but prefer just getting to how I normally am in a short time

Well done for speaking about it. Sadly, sometimes you inadvertently cross paths with some cretinous people who can impact on your life with dramatic effect through no fault of your own. It's shit but you will get past it. Shame the authorities aren't doing anything!

Hope you get over it soon and thanks for sharing.

Awful thing to experience and process. Likewise I'm in South Wales if you want a chat or feel free pm me for phone call.

I've been close to death more times than I wish to remember, and I've seen the final days of many great men I'll never forget. I've yet to spend an evening alone to self analyse and contemplate it all as I seem to hit a mental block even after many years but I have discovered a lot about myself and this has led me to live my best life.
When I had no hope left and wished to die I found what made me truly happy. Material things don't matter for me and I'm happiest sitting on a beach or grass with friends or family or pets. There’s a time for each of those.
Each day I wake up is still a bonus, and I'm always in a bit of pain but that just means it's not a dream. At this point feeling pain is a privilege and the day I don’t feel it means I’m gone so I’ve learned to embrace it.

Time is a constant mental battle. Before I had cancer it seemed almost infinite and now it's always there so I try to not waste it. It has made me more selfish as I do what I want to do and other people don't understand this much. I cancelled converting an old farm building into a house because I wasn't enjoying it and I no longer think long term so can’t take on long term projects.

I enjoy some mundane tasks like washing my cars - that's almost a form of therapy for me but I've not polished a car in over 5 years. That's precious extra time for little benefit and I'd rather be making memories.
Always being aware of time has made me more focused and I no longer have doubts. However having one of those days where I get nothing done is absolute torture, until I sit on the sofa, put the dog on my lap and remind myself that it’s still a bonus day.

Mito Man wrote: Tue May 02, 2023 11:33 pm I've been close to death more times than I wish to remember, and I've seen the final days of many great men I'll never forget.

Fair play David. You’ve had more than your fair share of ribbing from people on here over the years - me included - for being a spoilt boy. You’re nothing if not resilient. Fuck them. And fuck me.

As you were dude.

Mito Man wrote: Tue May 02, 2023 11:33 pm I've been close to death more times than I wish to remember, and I've seen the final days of many great men I'll never forget. I've yet to spend an evening alone to self analyse and contemplate it all as I seem to hit a mental block even after many years but I have discovered a lot about myself and this has led me to live my best life.
When I had no hope left and wished to die I found what made me truly happy. Material things don't matter for me and I'm happiest sitting on a beach or grass with friends or family or pets. There’s a time for each of those.
Each day I wake up is still a bonus, and I'm always in a bit of pain but that just means it's not a dream. At this point feeling pain is a privilege and the day I don’t feel it means I’m gone so I’ve learned to embrace it.

Time is a constant mental battle. Before I had cancer it seemed almost infinite and now it's always there so I try to not waste it. It has made me more selfish as I do what I want to do and other people don't understand this much. I cancelled converting an old farm building into a house because I wasn't enjoying it and I no longer think long term so can’t take on long term projects.

I enjoy some mundane tasks like washing my cars - that's almost a form of therapy for me but I've not polished a car in over 5 years. That's precious extra time for little benefit and I'd rather be making memories.
Always being aware of time has made me more focused and I no longer have doubts. However having one of those days where I get nothing done is absolute torture, until I sit on the sofa, put the dog on my lap and remind myself that it’s still a bonus day.

That's rather poetic, and I never realised that you were dealing with cancer. Also a strong reminder that in the final analysis it's the little things in life that seem to bring the most happiness.

In my early years I can always remember feeling desperate to prove myself, to find some kind of validation through good deeds or doing well. During my 20's, I participated in a large number of workshops from all sorts of improvement trainings and would listen to self help books endlessly in the car or on my own. I believed that if I could just get 'life' to work for me, to not experience anything negative anymore and to have all the stuff that I believed would make me happy, then I'd make it.

Of course this delusion hit me quite hard during my mid thirties. I realised rather naively that life cannot be manipulated in that way no matter how many times I practiced visualisation techniques. Yes it did help to a certain degree and I guess a certain level of success can be attributed to it. But it doesn't change the rules of the game which is everything has a beginning and an end (or as the Buddhists call impermanence). One day I will get a great client and life is good, the next day I loose a client and life is bad. Or feeling good for getting into good physical shape but then to be told that I have a heart condition and so does my daughter.

So for me now it's learning to accept what comes or at least accept how I feel about it.

I'm not really into keeping quotes, but I often think of this one by the late Maya Angelou when asked about success. She said, 'success is liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it'.

I'm no longer interested in big goals or vision boards and generally not particularly materialistic. As I get older I'm more interested in how I feel, whether I'm coming from a place of kindness to those around me and spending as much quality time with family as I can.

I suppose this is a goal of sorts and one I practice every day.

Holley wrote: Wed May 03, 2023 8:34 am I participated in a large number of workshops from all sorts of improvement trainings and would listen to self help books endlessly in the car or on my own. I believed that if I could just get 'life' to work for me, to not experience anything negative anymore and to have all the stuff that I believed would make me happy, then I'd make it.

I've also done a shit ton of "self-improvement" work from therapy to ayahausca to cold showers to chanting/mantra as well as all the reading etc. A lot of it was helpful and contained wisdom, however, I also found that it held me in a continuous state of being 'broken' - because the underlying philosophy of it all is that you can be better if you do this thing, ergo, you are not ok now.

All the happy, successful people that I know don't do any of that stuff, they don't have a morning routine, or take cold showers, or need a safe space to express themselves. They just get on with life and being happy

Happiness isn't necessarily a place you get to, it's something that you aim toward and work at, like exercise. Human condition needs stress, being content isn't a natural state.

I've read stuff recently that suggest altruism makes us happy, doing things for others makes US feel better, which makes sense but it's always worth mentioning.

Gavster wrote: Wed May 03, 2023 10:57 am

Holley wrote: Wed May 03, 2023 8:34 am I participated in a large number of workshops from all sorts of improvement trainings and would listen to self help books endlessly in the car or on my own. I believed that if I could just get 'life' to work for me, to not experience anything negative anymore and to have all the stuff that I believed would make me happy, then I'd make it.

I've also done a shit ton of "self-improvement" work from therapy to ayahausca to cold showers to chanting/mantra as well as all the reading etc. A lot of it was helpful and contained wisdom, however, I also found that it held me in a continuous state of being 'broken' - because the underlying philosophy of it all is that you can be better if you do this thing, ergo, you are not ok now.

All the happy, successful people that I know don't do any of that stuff, they don't have a morning routine, or take cold showers, or need a safe space to express themselves. They just get on with life and being happy

Did the cold shower thing for about 6 months but didn't notice any positive affects other than how nice it was when it ended!

My 20's where mostly NLP, hypnosis, sales and marketing trainings. 30's and 40's where/are spiritualism, philosophy, poetry (had trouble even admitting to that ) and auto-biographies.

You're right about many authors/workshops playing on the concept that you're broken and need 'fixing'. In some way's they're right as we all get stuck from time to time, but it's the never ending search for problems that annoyed me. If you go looking for them, there's always more!

Mito Man wrote: Tue May 02, 2023 11:33 pm I've been close to death more times than I wish to remember, and I've seen the final days of many great men I'll never forget. I've yet to spend an evening alone to self analyse and contemplate it all as I seem to hit a mental block even after many years but I have discovered a lot about myself and this has led me to live my best life.
When I had no hope left and wished to die I found what made me truly happy. Material things don't matter for me and I'm happiest sitting on a beach or grass with friends or family or pets. There’s a time for each of those.
Each day I wake up is still a bonus, and I'm always in a bit of pain but that just means it's not a dream. At this point feeling pain is a privilege and the day I don’t feel it means I’m gone so I’ve learned to embrace it.

Time is a constant mental battle. Before I had cancer it seemed almost infinite and now it's always there so I try to not waste it. It has made me more selfish as I do what I want to do and other people don't understand this much. I cancelled converting an old farm building into a house because I wasn't enjoying it and I no longer think long term so can’t take on long term projects.

I enjoy some mundane tasks like washing my cars - that's almost a form of therapy for me but I've not polished a car in over 5 years. That's precious extra time for little benefit and I'd rather be making memories.
Always being aware of time has made me more focused and I no longer have doubts. However having one of those days where I get nothing done is absolute torture, until I sit on the sofa, put the dog on my lap and remind myself that it’s still a bonus day.

like Mik says, for a spoilt brat, you're a pretty decent guy Mito. Keep doing what you're doing, it's pretty impressive - sorry you've had a rough time though...

Best probably means different things to different people.
For me, best is enjoying the little things every day, rather than having a grand ambition to skydive, run a marathon own an exotic car (and nothing wrong with that, I don't judge other people).

Today I watched a bumble bee whilst having a cuppa in the garden, I talked to one of the friendly stray cats sat on our neighbour's extension roof whilst I hung washing out. Cooked a from scratch Bolognese with one of the kids.

I have my ups and downs, last year was challenging and hard to be positive, but things have renormalised and this year I have been able to enjoy the everyday life.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look. around once in a while, you could miss it.” Ferris Bueller

Rich B wrote: Wed May 03, 2023 7:23 pm

Mito Man wrote: Tue May 02, 2023 11:33 pm I've been close to death more times than I wish to remember, and I've seen the final days of many great men I'll never forget. I've yet to spend an evening alone to self analyse and contemplate it all as I seem to hit a mental block even after many years but I have discovered a lot about myself and this has led me to live my best life.
When I had no hope left and wished to die I found what made me truly happy. Material things don't matter for me and I'm happiest sitting on a beach or grass with friends or family or pets. There’s a time for each of those.
Each day I wake up is still a bonus, and I'm always in a bit of pain but that just means it's not a dream. At this point feeling pain is a privilege and the day I don’t feel it means I’m gone so I’ve learned to embrace it.

Time is a constant mental battle. Before I had cancer it seemed almost infinite and now it's always there so I try to not waste it. It has made me more selfish as I do what I want to do and other people don't understand this much. I cancelled converting an old farm building into a house because I wasn't enjoying it and I no longer think long term so can’t take on long term projects.

I enjoy some mundane tasks like washing my cars - that's almost a form of therapy for me but I've not polished a car in over 5 years. That's precious extra time for little benefit and I'd rather be making memories.
Always being aware of time has made me more focused and I no longer have doubts. However having one of those days where I get nothing done is absolute torture, until I sit on the sofa, put the dog on my lap and remind myself that it’s still a bonus day.

like Mik says, for a spoilt brat, you're a pretty decent guy Mito. Keep doing what you're doing, it's pretty impressive - sorry you've had a rough time though...

To be fair to Dave, I think the spoilt brat thing passed a long time ago, and that reputation has stuck to him unfairly!

I don’t post very much but as many others have said what has happened to coaster does make you stop and think, as for living your best life I think I am , could obviously be better but that is the same for anyone no matter how much you earn, the problem for me and others have already touched on this is that part my job paying a decent wage includes an awful amount of responsibility which brings a lot of stress and as a consequence I have become quite dependent on alcohol as an “off switch” in an evening, otherwise I don’t sleep, I know it’s not good for me or healthy in any way but the job helps pay for the moments that make me create memories with loving partner and amazing kids, ultimately do u take the stress that pays well or the relaxed life without all the luxuries, I still can’t decide….

Holley wrote: Wed May 03, 2023 2:49 pm

Gavster wrote: Wed May 03, 2023 10:57 am

Holley wrote: Wed May 03, 2023 8:34 am I participated in a large number of workshops from all sorts of improvement trainings and would listen to self help books endlessly in the car or on my own. I believed that if I could just get 'life' to work for me, to not experience anything negative anymore and to have all the stuff that I believed would make me happy, then I'd make it.

I've also done a shit ton of "self-improvement" work from therapy to ayahausca to cold showers to chanting/mantra as well as all the reading etc. A lot of it was helpful and contained wisdom, however, I also found that it held me in a continuous state of being 'broken' - because the underlying philosophy of it all is that you can be better if you do this thing, ergo, you are not ok now.

All the happy, successful people that I know don't do any of that stuff, they don't have a morning routine, or take cold showers, or need a safe space to express themselves. They just get on with life and being happy

Did the cold shower thing for about 6 months but didn't notice any positive affects other than how nice it was when it ended!

My 20's where mostly NLP, hypnosis, sales and marketing trainings. 30's and 40's where/are spiritualism, philosophy, poetry (had trouble even admitting to that ) and auto-biographies.

You're right about many authors/workshops playing on the concept that you're broken and need 'fixing'. In some way's they're right as we all get stuck from time to time, but it's the never ending search for problems that annoyed me. If you go looking for them, there's always more!

I’ve done Tony Robbins UPW - I was pushed into it by a friend of a friend who knew the organisers so could get me a cheap ticket and it would supposedly solve all my problems. Unlike most of the other attendees though my problems weren’t financial, relationship, drugs or depression based so most of it felt irrelevant.
I do wonder what happened to most of the participants though, you’ve got Tony there telling everyone they’re worth much more than they think and all they have to do is to think positive and they’ll be rich and have a perfect relationship etc - hmm yeah.

I did the firewalk though which I enjoyed, yes I know the mantra before it was all BS but I guess it’s more about some things in life look more scary than they really are - case in point you can walk over hot coals despite thinking it’s a crazy thing to do.

Aml1987 wrote: Wed May 03, 2023 10:54 pm I don’t post very much but as many others have said what has happened to coaster does make you stop and think, as for living your best life I think I am , could obviously be better but that is the same for anyone no matter how much you earn, the problem for me and others have already touched on this is that part my job paying a decent wage includes an awful amount of responsibility which brings a lot of stress and as a consequence I have become quite dependent on alcohol as an “off switch” in an evening, otherwise I don’t sleep, I know it’s not good for me or healthy in any way but the job helps pay for the moments that make me create memories with loving partner and amazing kids, ultimately do u take the stress that pays well or the relaxed life without all the luxuries, I still can’t decide….

Do you enjoy your job?

Might not be as easy to answer as you think. For years I believed I hated my job but did it because financially it was good. It took a long time before I realised that I hated how I 'felt' about work rather than the work itself. It was the stress and anxiety that I wanted to be free from, not the job. Without those negative feelings, I actually rather enjoyed my job. So I decided that I would find healthier ways to manage my emotional response whilst at work, not just after work with a beer (my previous go to favourite). So something goes wrong (an unpleasant email, a case collapsing etc) and I will pay attention to how I feel, allow it to be there, take a moment to breathe and then go about how I will deal with it. Also important not to wait just for things to go wrong before paying attention to your emotions, I try and check in with myself throughout the day. Get up away from the computer, put the kettle on, pay attention to my breathing. Just a couple of minutes a few times a day makes a huge difference.

You might find that you do actually hate your job and that's also a good thing to know!

Mito Man wrote: Tue May 02, 2023 11:33 pm Lost of very poignant stuff...

You know, what happened to you is such a terrible thing but to go through it at your age is particularly shitty. It is really great to see you're doing well - I genuinely mean that despite know knowing each other really.

Long, long, long may it continue...

Mito Man said...
I’ve done Tony Robbins UPW - I was pushed into it by a friend of a friend who knew the organisers so could get me a cheap ticket and it would supposedly solve all my problems. Unlike most of the other attendees though my problems weren’t financial, relationship, drugs or depression based so most of it felt irrelevant.
I do wonder what happened to most of the participants though, you’ve got Tony there telling everyone they’re worth much more than they think and all they have to do is to think positive and they’ll be rich and have a perfect relationship etc - hmm yeah.

I did the firewalk though which I enjoyed, yes I know the mantra before it was all BS but I guess it’s more about some things in life look more scary than they really are - case in point you can walk over hot coals despite thinking it’s a crazy thing to do.
[/quote]

I listened to quite a bit of Tony Robbins in the past, never did one of his events though.

There is a place for it and it can work, definitely makes you feel good in the moment. I just got fed up with having to reframe events to make me feel better, it's a lot of work. The danger is that we can believe that negative emotions are bad and thus need to be changed and or attribute positive change to the teacher (not just Tony) and thus get attached to them as a relief drug. Not necessarily their fault - although I'm sure a lot do play on that.