Confessions of a younger driver.....

[mik]

Decided to make a new thread instead of posting this in the ebay thread....

Share your stories.

So this was originally posted in response to @dinny_g talking about getting use of his boss's 4.2 A8 every weekend. Nice car to have a loan of every weekend as a youngster!

This gave me the heebies as it reminded me of an incident I have shared before : being a youngster and borrowing the MD's Audi 100 for a local-ish business meeting. The ONE thing he said to me was "No smoking in it". Sure thing.

So I went to the meeting, and on my return I cleverly thought "Ach - If I keep the window open, how will he ever know"

Lit up fag and took the slip road for the Erskine Bridge. At that time there was still a toll charge. Heading in the direction I was going required that I crossed the bridge and then hit the tolls before being allowed to exit.

Need 30p (from memory) in change. Which is in my left trouser pocket. I realise that - with a fag held in my right paw, I don't have enough hands to smoke, steer the car, and get money out. Luckily it was an auto, so rather than ditch the fag, I decide to hold the cigarette in my mouth - which I never liked to do - smoke goes right in your eyes .

So I am now approaching the toll booths and starting to slow down. The bridge is a 50 limit now but wasn't at the time, so I am slowing from around 70mph - foot moved onto the brake pedal. My left hand is fishing in my left trouser pocket for some coins, when the fag smoke does indeed sting my eyes, and whilst I squint and blink, I manage to drop the lit fag from my lips. It falls onto my crotch. And then drops between my legs onto the seat base

There then follows what felt like 30 seconds of serious seat-dancing (with much swearing) as I wrestle my left hand from my trouser pocket so I can use it to fish for the cigarette, but it's rolled back towards my arse and I can't grab it without lifting my cheeks off of the seat base. Which has a fairly significant impact on my planned smoothe braking phase. After an age of wriggling, hammering wildly at the brake pedal, and veering around as I try to also use my right hand on the seat base to lift my body up. I locate the fag end, throw it out the window, and manage to bring the car to a halt at the end of the toll booth queue, without running into the car ahead. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Adrenaline rush.... WHOOOSH!

Pay the fee and pull up on the hard shoulder just at the exit. Jump out. No damage to my clothing, but there is a small fag burn on the fabric of the seat base. Black cloth so it doesn't immediately jump out visually, but you can see it if you look, and you can definitely feel it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUck. FUcK. FUCK! FUCK!

Slink back into work and leave the keys on his desk.

Panic significantly for next 24hrs.

Panic only marginally less significantly for following 3 days.

Start to believe I may have got away with it, but I am conscious he only lets a few people use his car, it doesn't get borrowed every day, and only a fraction of them are smokers. When he does notice, the list of potential offenders is small. Is it better to fess up if challenged Or just deny all knowledge Aaargh. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Every time he calls me or looks at me, I think he's about to raise the topic.

And then - after about a week and a half I see him arriving in a shiney new A6. Some excitement from colleagues as it's a pretty newly released model.

PRAISE THE LORD!

Lesson learned.

[Gavster]

I used to smoke in the boss' car too, based on the same logic. I'm sure they knew, it's not hard to tell.

Dodgiest moment would be when I wondered if the boss' old volvo had a failsafe to prevent you from selecting 'R' on the auto box while travelling forwards. It didn't. The whole transmission locked up with a thunderous BANG! the wheels squealed to a halt and I'm fairly lucky the transmission didn't crap itself out the bottom of the car

If you want a real confession, it would be that I crashed my first car TWICE in one day, a mere two weeks after passing my test. The second collision didn't cause any damage to the other party, and perhaps they took pity on my battered car too, so no claim was made.

It was another 10 years before I confessed to my parents about having two crashes that day

[dinny_g]

No such Smoking related issues for me but I did set my speed record (145 mph - Private Road of course ) in it.

We were working in Volkswagen at the time and an Audi guy had mentioned in passing that with the right equipment, you can access onboard data from the car - he then asked for it...

Cue mild panic for a few weeks but it was soon forgotten.

[duncs500]

When I first started work I was asked to move a boss's car, carpark was rammed (a site car park so not organised spaces, just a hardstanding with cars and vans everywhere). I managed to scrape (pretty slight) the car against another one when reversing into a tight spot. I was mortified, but fessed up immediately, nobody seemed bothered at all (it was all work vans and company cars so I guess it wasn't a big deal).

It's all coming back to me... Same job I scraped a Transit Tipper on a gate post and smashed the side window, and rear ended someone in my first company car which I can't have had much more than a month.

Nobody seemed that bothered about any of it to be honest, but I think the shame made me more careful as I haven't really had many other issues in the ensuing 20 years.

Now that I think of it, people used to crash a lot back then, I remember someone rolled their company car supposedly because he sneezed.

[mik]

Dodgiest moment would be when I wondered if the boss' old volvo had a failsafe to prevent you from selecting 'R' on the auto box while travelling forwards. It didn't.

APMSL

I've often wondered if cars with electronic handbrakes have something that disables them above Xmph, but the potential of finding out that the answer is "non" at 69mph has always put me off testing.....

[Mito Man]

Apparently on a Tesla if you hold down P on the gear stalk for 3 seconds it will apply the emergency brake regardless of what speed you’re doing. I have not tried it.
Then again if you’re in an actual emergency with no brakes, waiting 3 seconds before the handbrake actually applies is probably already too late.

[DeskJockey]

Can think of several that apply.

One job had a pug estate as the shared van.
- did a video running over a hated laptop (showed it to the customer who nearly wet himself laughing)
- tested VMax (private road obviously)
- thought it would be fun go through muddy puddles and got it stuck. Refused to ruin my trainers, so eventually got it freed after 10 minutes of back and forth. Car was so dirty I had to hide it in the far corner of a customer site, then wash it on the way home.

Other job I scraped a post van on a wall. We'd been moving kit between opposite ends of the complex, and had borrowed the van to make it easier (was working for the postal service at the time). Did nearly 4k without exiting the gates. Fessed up to the fleet manager who just shrugged and told me not to worry as it could still drive.

Same job I borrowed a pug 206 to go to a meeting in the middle of nowhere. Drove the wheels off it on quiet back roads.

Hired a Hyundai Getz 1.something in Tasmania. Had a hoot giving it the full hire car treatment. Didn't break it, but the tyres were definitely much slicker when I returned it.

[scotta]

Dodgiest moment would be when I wondered if the boss' old volvo had a failsafe to prevent you from selecting 'R' on the auto box while travelling forwards. It didn't.

APMSL

I've often wondered if cars with electronic handbrakes have something that disables them above Xmph, but the potential of finding out that the answer is "non" at 69mph has always put me off testing.....

Well sir - in the name of science i can answer this. It doesn't apply the handbrake. What it does do is initiates a full ABS emergency stop.

[Gavster]

Dodgiest moment would be when I wondered if the boss' old volvo had a failsafe to prevent you from selecting 'R' on the auto box while travelling forwards. It didn't.

APMSL

I've often wondered if cars with electronic handbrakes have something that disables them above Xmph, but the potential of finding out that the answer is "non" at 69mph has always put me off testing.....

Let the intrusive thoughts win

[jamcg]

Skoda and ford both do full emergency stops if you lift the handbrake … erm… switch???? Like you couldn’t even press the pedal that hard emergency stops


I’ve mashed in the work vans a couple of times, best was waiting to pull onto the A1M from one of those shitty little side roads where you pull on from a standing start- boss was in front of me, started to move for a gap and I thought “I’ll get out here too” He hadn’t moved. I did a full on clutch dump e-start into the back of his van

Also once drove through a roller door that wasn’t all the way up

[Sundayjumper]

First proper job after Uni, small company, the owner was using every possible tax loophole, one of which was that the pool cars (3 off) were knackered old sheds owned by his wife and leased to the company as if they were nice new cars

One was a Volvo 340 with a dodgy clutch. I wondered if you could wedge the handbrake on, give it loads of revs, and fully let the clutch out without it stalling or moving. Yes, you could. So I did that every time I had to drive it.

The other two cars were Mk3 Cavaliers, a red 1.6i and a blue 2.0i. They were abused so much but never ever complained.

[Matty]

Mik, the story did not deliver on the title

[Sundayjumper]

Also - are we doing amusing-but-ultimately-fairly-harmless here, or actual crimes ?

[mik]

Also - are we doing amusing-but-ultimately-fairly-harmless here, or actual crimes ?

You may tell stories about friends/aquaintences as you like

[Carlos]

My mate had a MK1 Jetta and was goaded into hitting a hump back bridge at 50mph

Smashed the sump and none of the doors would open afterwards, it looked like a banana.

He set it on fire there and then!

[Jimexpl]

Having spent time in the motor trade I have a reasonable number of stories, some of which might involve myself and/or colleagues.

On a particularly quiet Sunday at a dealership the only to people on-site might have shut up shop and switched the CCTV off, taken the immaculate 3 year old Quattroporte Evoluzione off the front (it was due to go to our Ferrari/Maserati site on the Monday) and set up an autotest in the back car park, which was great fun until the gearbox stopped changing down and the engine went into limp mode. It was coaxed into a space for the Monday collection, and amazingly the driver from the Maserati site never said anything, but I guess it was pretty standard for him picking up a 2001 Maserati for it not to be working as intended!

Achieving the neatest pair of tyre mark around a bend from the front tyres of demonstrator S80T6 models (circa 2003, front wheel drive, LSD, silly gearing that did 50mph in first) was another past time. Also, driving into the back of colleagues at traffic lights -2002/04 S60/V70/S80s all had very similar bumper designs front and rear and you can bash them in to each other pretty hard without any damage.

[Sundayjumper]

...I guess it was pretty standard for him picking up a 2001 Maserati for it not to be working as intended!

I was just about to say my Dad bought a Quattroporte last year and it's been fine, but then checked and his is a M139, while the 2001 Quattroporte Evoluzione in your story was presumably from bad old days and was one of these. What a mess.

[Beany]

I started driving later (mid 20s) so I don't really have any youthful exuberance stories, other than the usual "wow, understeer happens fast" sort of near misses.

VMAXing the works non-turbo diesel van (rev limited, about 80mph) is about as good as it got.

[drcarlos]

One vaguely criminal story involved a fairly mouthy acquaintance who reversed down the local high street as fast as his car would go, when collared by the plod and asked who the fuck he thought he was, he replied 'hooper' and was promptly bollocked.l a d threatened with instant arrest.
Another of his escapades was when he discovered that the handbrake combined with a concrete wheels stop in a parking space would hold his car still if he got a burnout going with the choke able to keep the wheel spinnig, cue him doing said burnout pulling on the choke and getting out leaving it a full 30 seconds before getting back in.