A fortnight ago

[Simon]

OK, reprobates. Consider this catharsis.

The more observant of you would've noticed some contradiction in some of my posts of late. In the 4 paw 'dog' thread we were due to collect a new puppy a couple of weeks ago, but then last week I spoke about being in Rome (rather than Paris; Paris thread). Similarly I was talking about changing car a few months ago and that all went quiet too. I want to put all this out there, not to draw attention or to garner sympathy, but mostly as an exercise for me to put down in writing and deal with what actually happened over the last few weeks.

Firstly, pup. My other half has wanted a dog since we've been together. It took us ages to find a breeder who had a dog, and who was reputable, and we thought we'd tested our cat Maya well with a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, as our lovely neighbours have one. We bought all the kit and caboodle and looked forward to collecting Benji. On the Friday night when he first came home Maya was different - to be expected really. But neither of us was really prepared for how badly it affected her. She refused to eat all weekend, completely changed her personality, and when she did eventually come downstairs and go out, for the first time ever her tracker showed her going much further than she normally roams. This was no coincidence. I had to track her to where she was, grab her and bring her home. Then I panicked. I told my other/half my deepening concerns as the weekend progressed. I loved the new pup but if Maya had gone missing because of Benji then I'm not sure I could've looked at him again. On Sunday night, with my emotions running high and my other half's hormones all over the place (see below) we made the rash decision to take him back to the breeder. I felt awful about this. This wasn't us. We didn't give up on animals. And it destroyed my other half. She was besides herself with guilt over the next few days - worrying about whether we'd done the right thing, thinking we'd hurt Benji, etc etc. And the realisation that as long as we have Maya we'll never have a dog. I've kept in touch with the breeder since then and Benji went off to a new home a couple of days ago. The breeder was fantastic, but we were left feeling like terrible people. And then....

Monday. We were pregnant. Only a few people knew, but thanks to some early complications we had to make multiple trips to the hospital, so I told work because my working patterns were certainly going to be affected. After the 5th trip to the hospital in 2 weeks, and third scan in as long, we thought things were finally settling down. We'd seen the heartbeat, the doctors were comfortable with how things were progressing and I assumed full 'expectant Dad' mode. However, the complications persisted. I chose to work from home on that Monday, because the day after the Sunday night I needed to stay with my other half and support her emotionally. She still went into work at lunchtime though, the brave silly thing that she is. In the afternoon I video'd in to our monthly team meeting and started to receive texts from the o/h. She was going downhill. Pain and complications. Her Mum over the phone from Brazil could see what was happening and finally persuaded her to go home. So she shut the shop and I picked her up. A couple of hours later at home we lost the baby. Less than 24 hours after 'losing' Benji this was tough. And another evening in A&E too, whilst they did their scans and procedures.

So the next day we booked 'Rome' just a few days hence to get away from it all. But the problem with getting away from it all is that you eventually have to come home, and the quiet empty house felt like it was screaming at us. I'm worried about my o/h. She's still feeling awful about the dog. Because from her perspective, we can try again for another baby, but we can't try for another dog. And then there's the 'did we over-react too quickly' question (please, please don't answer that). For me I'm worried about the baby side. I'm 40, she's 30. That baby was half of me. Am I the reason that it was lost? Is something wrong with me? I don't look after myself so well, I know that. We'll try again, for sure, but until I hold our newborn baby in my arms I'm gonna be stressing about it all. And 9+ months feels like a long time to wait!

So as I say, this is catharsis. I told my brother about the baby for the first time yesterday. The o/h has reduced her working hours a bit to give herself less pressure overall. I don't know what I'm hoping any of you will say, if anything. But it's the first time I've addressed all the above in 2 weeks, because frankly, it's been a shit time.

One last thing. We joke about our family being a 'rescue' family. We joke that I rescued my o/h from Brazil, and of course we rescued Maya from the RSPCA. But we didn't want the family to stop at just that, and that's what I guess is hurting right now.

[mik]

Ah Si - thats all a bit rubbish

Dont be too hard on yourself and look after each other.

[NotoriousREV]

Losing a baby is tough. It’s incredibly hard on the woman who has to go through the physicality of carrying and losing a child, as well as the emotional side. But it’s also tough on men because we’re supposed to be strong for our partner, it’s kind of not happening to us (it is happening to us, but it’s easy to forget that) and we feel a bit useless.

Talking about it is good. You’ll be amazed at how many people have been through it but haven’t ever talked about it. We’ve lost 4 at various stages, including one ectopic that nearly killed MrsREV. The grief was the same each time as it would’ve been for a baby that has made it to full term but we both felt as if we shouldn’t be feeling that way. I still feel guilty about how hard it hit me each time, even though I know that it’s OK to feel that way.

Don’t ignore your feelings, help your partner as best you can but don’t neglect yourself. It’s OK to not be OK, especially about this. Neither of you is to blame, these things just happen and nothing either of you did or didn’t do caused it.

[mik]

What Dave said unfortunately - I think you'll find a lot of folks with kids have gone through challenges - we didnt plan 3yrs between tbe miklets, but just thats how it panned out.

[nuttinnew]

I'm very sorry to hear that, Simon
I don't have any adequate words of my own so I'll echo REV's;

Talking about it is good...Don’t ignore your feelings, help your partner as best you can but don’t neglect yourself. It’s OK to not be OK, especially about this. Neither of you is to blame, these things just happen and nothing either of you did or didn’t do caused it.

[V8Granite]

Children completely kick your arse when you previously feel like you can deal with things. Give yourself time but whatever goes on, you will get your family.

Animals are odd too, they are tougher than you think though so don’t give up on wanting a dog aswell, an older more relaxed animal will possibly be an easier transition.

We kept ours in for 2 weeks when we first got Flash, they get down and emotional just like us. Make sure they have their own space and they will adjust.

Dave!

[evostick]

Firstly, it sounds like you're being a bit of a twat about the dog tbh. The cats behaviour sounds completely normal given the circumstances and tracking the animal just gives you another route to unnecessary anxiety imho. No big deal though ultimately. Why not wait until things settle down and then try again?.

Secondly, I can only offer my heartfelt condolences.

[Gavin]

Sounds like a tough few weeks. I know nowt about animals so can't offer anything there.

I would concur with most above, talk it through. When close friends have gone through this I have felt guilty for being upset so I can only imagine from Revs's comment that goes even more so for the parent. Logically you feel how you feel but it is scary how difficult it is to convince oneself of that.

Do whatever makes you and your wife feel better; plant a tree, name a star, whatever works for you two and any naysayers tell them to gtf! You will know better than us what works with your wife but make sure she knows she is appreciated and loved as she may well be feeling like a failure, it seems you both are from your post. Neither of you are, sometimes nature fucking sucks.

[DaveE]

Sounds like a horrible few weeks...

I hope you guys can support each other through what sounds like a tough time.

(I can't really add more than that - we decided to not have kids, and we don't have pets either...)

[DeskJockey]

Nothing to add except my condolences.

[JonMad]

I can only add my condolences. You have no reason to blame yourselves or each other.

[evostick]

I've been thinking about this a little more. Please just ignore me if it's not helpful.

Could it be possible that the whole dog going back thing was merely a reflection of a deeper unease regarding the pregnancy?.

Why not start looking for another potential pup now on the quiet to suggest to the mrs in a couple of weeks?. Something to look forward to in the new year sort of thing.

[JLv3.0]

It was the cat's reaction rather than it being the wrong pup by the sounds of it.

Anyway it's a terrible situation and best of luck for getting out of it unscathed.

[Jimmy Choo]

That sounds crap all round.

[IanF]

That sounds really shit Si. Sadly, there’s no quick fix for this, you both just need to give it time and focus on family and friends over the Christmas period. It will get easier.

[GG.]

Very sorry to hear about that, Simon. I have also been through similar personally and it is definitely one of the hardest things you can go through. As others have said, it's definitely not a failing to feel like you're struggling to cope with it. Try and support each other the best you can and hopefully the passage of time will make the feelings less raw and you can pick yourselves up and try again.

[evostick]

It was the cat's reaction rather than it being the wrong pup by the sounds of it.

There's plenty of of good pups out there if you want one.

The cat will cope with a puppy.

I've seen various reactions when one is introduced to the other but without exception they've always ended up either being the best of friends or the best of enemies.

[JLv3.0]

Yep - same. Not nice to see the resident kitty being displaced though. Maybe do the lock-puppy-in-a-room thing and let the feline get used to the scent first? Or keep the pup downstairs and let the mog have the upstairs to herself.

Anyway there are far bigger forces at play here so I'll STFU now.

[Jobbo]

Very sorry to hear about that, Simon. I have also been through similar personally and it is definitely one of the hardest things you can go through. As others have said, it's definitely not a failing to feel like you're struggling to cope with it. Try and support each other the best you can and hopefully the passage of time will make the feelings less raw and you can pick yourselves up and try again.

I agree. Good luck with getting pregnant again too.

More seriously, I had no idea what you've just been through. I'm entirely sympathetic; spending my life more avoiding pregnancy than anything else seems to give people licence to tell me about babies they've lost and difficulties conceiving. It's not that unusual and being 30 and 40 really isn't old. Just keep trying (and in my, non-child-centric view, that's the fun bit ).

As for the puppy, I was really apprehensive about introducing Jasper to the dachshunds. And then the kittens - we still can't believe how happy the kittens are with the dogs now but it took some months of them being in separate rooms, limited exposure with the dogs muzzled etc. One of the existing cats has never got on with the dogs and always stays out of reach or upstairs (dachshunds not being allowed to climb the stairs to protect their backs), so it can be the case that they never get along. I don't think your reaction was OTT or any different to how mine would be in the circumstances. But it is possible to integrate dogs and cats, so don't write off a dog entirely.

[V8Granite]

Simon touches on a good point.

Never let your dog go upstairs, it's a dog, not a cuddly toy and the cat will be happy that they have their own domain to lord it over.

Dave!